The Case of the Hungry P.I.

It was a dark and stormy night and I was wandering the streets of downtown Winchester again. I had been on the case for months now, and the clues I had so far were getting me nowhere.  I was tired, wet and no closer to solving this case than I was months ago.

The day she walked into my P.I. office was a day like any other. My desk was a mess and the phone was ringing off the hook with calls from bill collectors and town officials trying to make life difficult for me. My assistant, Mildred, let her in the door without asking me first. Mildred was efficient and neat, but the fact that I had bought her a SmartPhone last year had not made her any smarter.

“Are you Marshmallow?” she asked, in a sultry voice that was a smooth as hundred year old Bourbon and probably twice as expensive.

“Marmalowe” I answered sourly. Usually they mispronounce my name confusing it with that fictional Ray Chandler detective but this was a new one.

“My name is Cherry Pancake, Mr. Marmalowe, and I need your help.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I really need your help.”

“No, your name is really Che…?”

“Mr. Marmalowe, are you a private investigator or not? I’m in a bit of a pickle you see, and I can easily get in my diamond and pearl studded Audi Quattro and find help elsewhere.”

The Quattro has legendary all-wheel drive so my interest was piqued, and of course the mention of the diamonds and pearls meant she was filthy rich. I’m not stupid. I calmed her down and convinced her to sit. She glanced down at the time worn chair, held together with duct tape and I guess she decided sitting on it would not kill her. She wove a wordy and mind numbingly boring tale of infidelity and secret meetings, of mysterious phone calls and late nights at work. Finally getting to the point, she told me about a stranger her partner told her that they were going to “get”. Visions of murder and international intrigue ran though my mind when she said her partner’s secret target’s name, Pad Thai.

Needless to say I took the case. Otherwise the story would end here, and that wouldn’t be very entertaining, would it. I searched for months to find this elusive target. I met several people who said that they “had Pad Thai once, and it was wonderful.” Who was this Pad Thai and how did they get around so much?

The incessant march of time went on and found me here, in Winchester. I was a broken man. I thought myself the best P.I. in the business and I couldn’t even find this one person. I sipped my non-fat, triple shot, half Caff, Free Trade, caramel soy macchiato and prepared myself to admit defeat.

“Why the long face my friend?” the sudden intrusion of the voice next to me jolted me back into dreary reality.

I drew a deep breath and held it for a moment as I considered the universe and its injustice. I released a sigh from the darkest pit of my tired soul and muttered, “Pad Thai”.

“Oh, I know…” he said. “So good.”

So he had met this enigmatic figure as well. Was there no dark corner of the world where I could hide? Was I the only rube in an enormous joke being made at my expense? I unfolded my tale of woe to this stranger, about the albatross that hung around my neck all these months. I brought the epic full circle for him and a wry smile came to his face.

“A dish” he said plainly.

“A dame?” I said in resignation. “I figured as much, the way people raved about her.”

“No, you idiot! A dish as in food! Pad Thai is a dish of stir-fried noodles with eggs, fish sauce, tamarind juice and red chili pepper plus a combination of other ingredients.” (Thanks to Wikipedia). Then he got up and walked away, muttering under his breath before he left, “It Rains Fishes”.

What was this? A code? A secret greeting among spies? Was there some coded response I was supposed to make? It Rains Fishes? It Snows Reindeer?

“It’s a restaurant for crying out loud! Do I have to spell it all out for you?” he cried out as he disappeared into the darkness.

It was as if the sky had opened and revealed the secrets of the universe to me, enlightening me and lifting the pall of despair I had been shrouded in for all this time. I reached into the pocket of my rumpled London Fog raincoat and dug for my Smartphone. I flipped through the apps and found the one I was looking for, Urban Spoon. (www.urbanspoon.com) My phone had Location Services turned on so all I had to do was enter a search for It Rains Fishes and it would tell me what was nearby. The result popped up immediately and showed on the map that I was mere steps from my goal.

They were right. The Pad Thai was spectacular. It was a life changing experience for me and I felt like I had to shout it out to the world. I, once again, reached to my Smartphone. Perusing the 534 apps I had installed (I know. I have a problem), I found my soapbox. Tapping on the screen I brought up the Yelp app. (www.yelp.com) I wrote an eloquent review, leaving out the embarrassing details of my adventure.

Of course at this point I felt the need to let all of my friends know where I was and what a good time I was having. I fired up the old FourSquare app (www.foursquare.com) and checked in. Earned points for it being my first time there, but obviously I am far from being the Mayor.

It was then that I realized how rich with adventure this little town was. My location based apps revealed a treasure cache of eateries and shopping, services and sights. The rich bounty of the town square experience was unveiled. I could spend days here just sampling and checking in, logging my locations and taking pictures and notes for the world to see. I had found my true calling and since I wasn’t making any money at being a Private Investigator, I had nothing to lose.

I gave Mildred a call and told her to cancel all of my appointments. She reminded me that I didn’t have any. I told her about Pad Thai. She told me that she knew it was food and that I was an idiot, and then she quit.

I sat on the same bench later that day eating a delicious frozen yogurt and realized that I could have looked up Pad Thai on my phone right from the start and avoided all of this. I should have felt shame or remorse but instead laughed to myself at my foolishness. After all, the femme fatale’s name was Cherry Pancake. I should have seen this all coming.

(Phil Marmalowe gave up investigation and is now a successful Location Services Consultant)

A 21st Century Super Bowl

The future is here and it will not only be televised, but it will be in your pocket.

The Super Bowl on February 5^th will be an epic grudge match between the NFC Champion New York Giants (who sadly must lose), and the AFC Champion New England Patriots (who will humbly win). Last year’s broadcast netted a record setting 111 Million viewers in the U.S. alone. This year’s game promises to be one for the record books as well.

For the first time in history, the Super Bowl™ will be streamed online, live on www.nbc.com as well as at www.nfl.com. Verizon smartphone users will also have the opportunity to catch the live stream using their NFL Mobile app. The streams will also enhance the experience by adding extra camera angles, live stat updates and in-game commentary and highlights not shown on the TV broadcast.

Working on Sunday? Not going to be able to watch a live stream because your boss just doesn’t understand the historical significance of this momentous event (in which the Patriots will win)? If you have a smartphone you can install the ESPN ScoreCenter app. According to their own description, “Never miss another goal, pitch, basket, try, touchdown or wicket.” Judging by the description, the app covers all kinds of sports, including international contests. Many American fans may not be familiar with what a “pitch” or a “wicket” are, but if you were interested, the scores are waiting for you.

Sporting events have been streamed live over the Internet before. Who can forget the online coverage of the World Cup soccer championships and the mind numbing drone of the Vuvuzelas? The summer and winter Olympics™ have had online streams for certain events in off peak times. How else would I have been able to keep track of the world’s most riveting sport, Curling? Even our own local www.boston.com will have an updating scoreboard right on the front page for people who need a quick peek to keep track. 

So, if you stop by the house on Sunday, don’t feel rejected if no one answers the doorbell. It’s hard to pull myself away from the TV, laptop and smartphone (maybe throw a tablet or two in there as well). Now if I could only find a good Nachos app…

My New Year's Tech Resolutions

Let me start by saying that I know I am late by a few weeks. My New Year’s resolution for 2013 will be to write my blog on time.

The end of a year and the beginning of the next seem to naturally bring out a need in people for introspection, and those of us in the tech world are no different. Although so many of us have our own personal demons to conquer, and resolutions to make, (goodness knows the Taco Bell™ drive-through is open late), the resolutions I am talking about here are about technology.

1. I resolve this year to back up all of my important stuff. I realize that EVERY hard drive eventually will fail and that retrieving files off of a broken hard drive can be at best expensive and at worst impossible. The thought of losing pictures of my kids makes me lose sleep.
2. I resolve this year to make sure my computer runs all of its important updates. I understand that these updates come from the software manufacturers to help keep my computer safer and more stable. I know now that Microsoft™ sends out these updates once a week. Updates for other software packages such as Flash™, Java™ and web browsers may come at other times.
3. I resolve this year not to ignore errors or warnings that my computer shows me. I know that any computer can have a software problem from time to time, but when I see warnings or crashes on a regular basis it means something is wrong. I realize that these things really don’t get better or go away, but instead get worse over time. I also know that The Computer Cafe offers a free computer checkup.
4. I resolve this year not to click on ANYTHING unless I already know what it is. Like a Mob hit, attacks on your computer often come from friends. Sometimes people’s email can get hijacked and start sending emails to everyone in their contact list with links to attack sites or virus downloads.
5. I resolve this year to avoid free programs I see online that claim to improve the performance of my computer. I know now that there is “no such thing as a free lunch” and that these types of programs often do more harm than good.
6. I resolve this year to keep my computer clean. With the fans inside, computers are like dust magnets. Dust builds up inside the computer and can block air flow, reducing the computer’s ability to stay cool. I will keep a can of compressed air right next to my computer and blow out the vents once a month. Once a year I will bring my computer to The Computer Cafe for a cleaning and perhaps a tune-up.

We never know how much we depend on our computers until the day we find ourselves without them. All of these things I resolve to do will help me use my computer every day for the things I need most. Oh and…

     7. I resolve this year to Email my sister more.

The Future is Now! Well, maybe next year.

The computer monitor on my counter wants me to touch it. No, I realize that it is not a touch-screen and that swiping my fingers across its lighted surface will yield no result and leave fingerprints where none belong. Yet, there are icons there that call out to me, a tempting array of “apps” that are new, and mysterious. Sure, I can click with my mouse cursor, but these programs scream out that they are meant to be touched. Like the fabled explorers of yore, I have discovered a new world. My computer is running Windows8™!

The natural reaction at this point is to ask, “But didn’t they just release Windows7™ recently?” In fact, Windows7™ was released to retail sales on October 22^nd, 2009, almost 2 years ago. With a projected release of Windows8™ to be in the Fall of 2012, that will have been three years since the previous OS release.

The next question that is nagging at your brain is, “Hey! If Windows8™ isn’t being released until a year from now, how the heck are you playing with it already?” Last week, Microsoft™ made Windows8™ available for download as a Developer’s Preview. This is a preliminary version that is made available for software developers to use as a tool to write programs for. I downloaded and installed it just for fun. (Translated: Geek cannot resist). Remember, this is a preview version and not fully functional so kids, don’t try this at home.

OK, so with all of the boring stuff out of the way, what makes this so exciting and why am I so compelled to touch my screen? I have had a vision of the future and the future is…Tablet. Microsoft™ has sent a very clear message with the design of Windows8™. The message is that they feel the direction that personal computing is taking is tablet oriented. The “Metro™” interface of the display is obviously meant for a touch-screen using swiping motions. My crystal ball is showing me a probable assortment of Windows8™ tablets in the near future. With so many applications and resources available online now, in “the Cloud”, maybe the thing that most of us need is a super-portable computer that we can use anywhere. With a Windows™ based tablet, you could access files and devices on your home network. You could easily print movie tickets. With a built-in camera and Video-Chat software, you have a video-phone. You could stream media files like movies and TV shows from your Media Center computer to anywhere in your home. (Remember “Cutting the Cable”?)

I’m probably getting ahead of myself, but if I am having these techno-fantasies, I can’t imagine that the people who build this stuff aren’t having even wilder ones. So if you want to see what the future looks like, just stop by anytime and play. And so what if it’s not a touch-screen. Give in to the temptation to touch. It won’t work yet, but I have plenty of cleaning spray.

Being Thankful

I know that it has been 2 weeks since Thanksgiving, but I thought it was time to talk about the things for which I am personally thankful, technologically speaking.

I am thankful for online music services. Who would have thought that at the touch of a button I could be listening to “Afternoon Delight” by Starland Vocal Band? I have slept many a restful night in the comfort that I would live the rest of my life and probably never hear that song again, but because of Spotify™ I can hear this and all of my favorite hits from the 70’s. Brings me right back to my unreasonably long hair and Qiana shirts. (Google THAT). By the way, Tuesday is always 70’s day at The Computer Cafe here in Winchester so stop by.

I am thankful for Google™.  Arguments are a thing of the past due to the ability to verify facts at a moment’s notice. It has been confirmed, right at the dinner table, that your eyes will not in fact “pop out” if you leave them open while sneezing. Helena is the capital of Montana and a penny dropped from the top of the Empire State building will not drill a hole 4 feet into the concrete.

I am thankful for my Smartphone, not for any coolness factor or its ability to find me the best Thai food within walking distance. I am thankful for being able to carry around an assortment of pictures of my kids that would never have fit into even the overstuffed wallet of George Costanza. My colleague stopped by yesterday and showed me a movie of his first child dancing for the first time. I need to rephrase this so you can fully absorb it. Go back in time and tell your 1985 self. He carries a MOVIE of his daughter in his pocket!

I am thankful for the online availability of TV shows and movies. Without the almost unlimited selection of entertainment sources I would not be able to spend my evenings camped out, buried deep in my sofa in a passive stimulus coma. If it were not for Hulu™ and Netflix™ I would have to engage in conversation with my family or even fix things around the house. I would not have been able to expose my children to the timeless treasure of “The Partridge Family”.

I am thankful for Geocaching. I can’t tell you what that is because it is a secret. There are millions of “caches” hidden all over the world. You walk past them every day and don’t even know it. I shouldn’t have even told you this much because it is secret. The fun part is you use technology in the form of a GPS device to find the hidden spots and then use clues to find the Cache itself. When you find it, you can usually sign a log sheet and sometimes even trade little prizes left behind by other players. It’s a great way to spend time outdoors and exercising while using Tech. The best part is that it is all secret, except the parts I gave away…which is actually most of it…but don’t tell anyone. Remember, secret. Especially the website (www.geocaching.com) which I never should have told you.

I am ever so thankful for Facebook™. Without Facebook, I would never know who was going to the dentist or had dented their car in the mall parking lot. I would never get to see 38 pictures of someone’s Chihuahua puppy, which all kind of looked the same. I would never have been offered a Pig by someone playing a game while they were obviously at work.

I also never would have had to opportunity to reconnect with a friend from over 30 years ago with whom I have found to have so much more in common than I would have thought, and to have been able to meet up for drinks at The Black Horse Tavern at almost the spur of the moment. I would never have known about many of the ordinary triumphs and tribulations of my geographically distant family members. I never would have known about friends’ accomplishments as musicians, politicians, adoptive parents, actors, photographers, teachers and even world renowned Bloggers. ;-)

I joke about reading about people’s dentist visits, but those are the kind of things that you talk about with your friends. The online world is our backyard fence over which we have the late afternoon talk with Wilson. It lets us stay in touch about all of the things that matter, the large and the small, the momentous and the mundane. So, this holiday season get yourself online and reconnect with someone from your past that you always liked but never got close with. Trust me it is worth the effort. And really, it’s as easy as pushing a button. Seriously, dude, that easy.

Happy Holidays.

QR Codes? Well, scan me now!

A man stopped while walking along the sidewalk. He took out his smart phone and pointed it at a weird looking jumble of black and white blocks on a sticker he saw on a lamp post. He waited a second, looking at the screen on his phone, and smiled. I guess he noticed me staring at him because he turned, held up his phone and said to me, “I just won a free pizza!”

A woman parked her car at the curb. There was no parking meter there, but she knew that there was a fee for parking. She noticed a small sign with a similar looking jumbled block of black and white. Out came her Smartphone and she pointed it at the sign. Again, noticing me staring at her, she held up her phone and said, “Here is a map to show where the Pay Station machine is.”

Before you start accusing me of being a Smartphone stalker, these two stories are examples of QR Codes. They are popping up all over the place, on posters, advertisements and yes, even on telephone poles. They can be set up to do all sorts of cool things.

Originally designed to track parts in automobile factories, the QR(Quick Response) code is a two dimensional matrix of dark blocks on a light background, in a square shape. A QR scanner can decode these symbols into any of a number of responses. If you have a Smartphone you can install any of a number of free apps to scan QR codes. Scanning a QR Code can prompt your phone to display a message, open a website, receive a VCard (like a digital business card) or even generate an email or text message.

Companies are using QR Codes to enhance their advertising and promotional materials. Some ads will have QR Codes with special offers or even link directly to the web site to order the product they are promoting. QR Codes can also be just for fun, because you can generate and print them yourself. There are many websites and programs, also mostly free, which let you create your own custom QR Codes for almost any use you could imagine.

Just imagine a QR Code Scavenger Hunt! You could start by scanning one code which would tell you somewhere you have to go. When you get to the location, there might be some fun activity you have to do, or a trivia question to answer. Once you complete your task, you get a new code to scan, which leads you to your next location and task. Eventually you return to the original location to claim triumph, having used 21^st Century technology to have great, outdoor fun and maybe even get some exercise too.

Cut off from the world.

I was recently on vacation out of the country with my family. Now when I say “out of the country”, I mean just oh-so-barely out of the country, one city block into Canada, at Niagara falls. So, even though I could clearly see the home shores of the U.S.A. I had to turn off my phone. You see, once you cross the bridge, you are now in International Roaming Land. In this mythical territory, your phone company gets to charge you astronomical rates for calls and especially data. To make things even better, mere mortals would not even be capable of interpreting the rates from the Cellular Carrier’s website.

I had no idea how plugged into the Internet I was until I suddenly found myself cut off. I was standing at the railing, looking out at the majesty and hearing the roar of the falls, a wonder of the natural world. I COULD NOT TWEET. The online universe could not read my insights on life and the world the very moment I thought them.

I could not get Facebook updates as they happened. I missed out on the poignant moment of discovering that an old high school friend, with whom I have not spoken in almost thirty years, had purchased a new washer/dryer combo.

I could neither send nor receive Emails, missing out on the opportunity to get the untold millions of dollars from that exiled Nigerian prince who needed my bank information. (Psst.. upcoming blog subject)

I could not get online to watch week-old episodes of “The Daily Show” instead of turning my head to see one fifth of the world’s fresh water pouring over a drop of 180 feet in one the world’s most spectacular sights.

I could not pull my phone out of my pocket to call one of my co-workers to say, “Dude! You are at work and I’m on a boat, wearing a bright blue slicker and getting soaked.”

I was unconnected, isolated from the world and confronted with the fact that I was forced to be IN the world. I was thrown together with my family and coerced by my circumstances to share our common experience. We spent our days in awe and wonder and in result of that, talked to each other! We shared our trip and had one of the best vacations we had ever done as a family. We spent every day seeing new things, having fun and meeting new people.

At the end of each day, we retired to our hotel room, exhausted and satisfied with what we had seen and done, ready to wake up and have yet another day tomorrow that was even more exciting. With teeth brushed and PJs on, the family snuggled down into the comfort of our… HEY WAIT!

I forgot we had free Wi-Fi in the hotel.

The room settled into its nightly silence, interrupted only by the hum of the laptop fans. I learned on Facebook that my former Kindergarten classmate played tennis today.